JOKE OF THE MONTH: November 2004
Taxiing down the runway, the passenger jet abruptly came to a stop, turned around and returned to the gate. Eventually however, after an hour-long wait, the flight finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant.
“I hope it’s all sorted now.” Replied the nervous passenger.
"Oh yes, it’s fine now Sir, it just took us a while to find a new pilot."
Elvis Jokes
What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today?
Scratching like hell to get out of that box.
Father O'Mally had been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decided to take a nice vacation. He had never been abroad, so he decided to go to the States.
He hopped on the first plane bound for Nevada and arrives at the Airport in Las Vegas.
As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"
Father O'Mally looks at her and says, "I'm not Elvis! I don't look a thing like him!" and walks quickly away.
The father finds a cab and hops in, he says to the cabby, "Take me to my hotel, please." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God
Monday, January 11, 2010
Kids Jokes
A FEW QUICK CRAZY NAMES1 Q: What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?
A: Mandy Lifeboats!
2 Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker?
A: Beatrix Potter!
3 Q: What do you call a lion with toothache?
A: Rory!
4 Q: What do you call a man with a big truck on his head?
A: Laurie!
5 Q: What do you call a man with turf on his head?
A: Pete!
6 Q: What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows?
A: Phantom of the Oprah!
7 Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!
8 Q: What do you call a man who doesn't sink?
A: Bob!
9 Q: What do you call a Rodent that has a sword?
A: A Mouseketeer!
10 Q: What do you call the bad lion tamer?
A: Claude Bottom!
OWL AND THE PUSSY CAT
The owl and the pussycat went to sea, but the end of our story's quite sad.The owl pushed the pussycat over the edge
`cos her gameboy was driving him mad.
THE STRING IN THE TAIL
Two pieces of string meet one day in the park and while one goes on the slide the other goes on the swings. They're having a great time until one string decides to go on the roundabout.
After a while, the string feels really dizzy and falls off, scraping across the tarmac and making as tangled mess of one end and falling in a heap. The second string looked at him and sighed "you're not very good on that roundabout are you?"
The first string looked at himself and said "I'm a frayed knot".
AN IRISHMAN AND THE ENGLISHMAN.....
Once there was an Irish man an Englishman and an Australian who decided to have a competition.While on top of the hill each man had to chuck his watch in the air, then run down the hill and catch it before it hit the ground.
So the Irishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and SPLAT the watch hit the ground.
Then the Englishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and SPLAT the watch hit the ground.
Next was the Australian who chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill, went and had a beer, did the shopping, came back and caught his watch.
"How did you do that?" asked the Irishman.
The Australian replied "My watch is 1 hour slow !!!!!"
THE QUESTIONS FOR INQUIRING MINDS1 Q: Why did the King go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned.
2 Q: What do you call a three legged donkey?
A: A wonkey.
3 Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
4 Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk.
5 Q: why are fish so smart?
A: Because they live in schools.
6 Q: What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
A: A zebra caught in a revolving door.
7 Q: What do dogs eat at the cinema?
A: Pup-corn!
8 Q: What's a snakes favourite subject in class?
A: Hissssstory.
9 Q: Why do monkeys have big noses?
A: Because they've got big fingers.
10 Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: a bulldozer!
A: Mandy Lifeboats!
2 Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker?
A: Beatrix Potter!
3 Q: What do you call a lion with toothache?
A: Rory!
4 Q: What do you call a man with a big truck on his head?
A: Laurie!
5 Q: What do you call a man with turf on his head?
A: Pete!
6 Q: What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows?
A: Phantom of the Oprah!
7 Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!
8 Q: What do you call a man who doesn't sink?
A: Bob!
9 Q: What do you call a Rodent that has a sword?
A: A Mouseketeer!
10 Q: What do you call the bad lion tamer?
A: Claude Bottom!
OWL AND THE PUSSY CAT
The owl and the pussycat went to sea, but the end of our story's quite sad.The owl pushed the pussycat over the edge
`cos her gameboy was driving him mad.
THE STRING IN THE TAIL
Two pieces of string meet one day in the park and while one goes on the slide the other goes on the swings. They're having a great time until one string decides to go on the roundabout.
After a while, the string feels really dizzy and falls off, scraping across the tarmac and making as tangled mess of one end and falling in a heap. The second string looked at him and sighed "you're not very good on that roundabout are you?"
The first string looked at himself and said "I'm a frayed knot".
AN IRISHMAN AND THE ENGLISHMAN.....
Once there was an Irish man an Englishman and an Australian who decided to have a competition.While on top of the hill each man had to chuck his watch in the air, then run down the hill and catch it before it hit the ground.
So the Irishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and SPLAT the watch hit the ground.
Then the Englishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and SPLAT the watch hit the ground.
Next was the Australian who chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill, went and had a beer, did the shopping, came back and caught his watch.
"How did you do that?" asked the Irishman.
The Australian replied "My watch is 1 hour slow !!!!!"
THE QUESTIONS FOR INQUIRING MINDS1 Q: Why did the King go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned.
2 Q: What do you call a three legged donkey?
A: A wonkey.
3 Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
4 Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk.
5 Q: why are fish so smart?
A: Because they live in schools.
6 Q: What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
A: A zebra caught in a revolving door.
7 Q: What do dogs eat at the cinema?
A: Pup-corn!
8 Q: What's a snakes favourite subject in class?
A: Hissssstory.
9 Q: Why do monkeys have big noses?
A: Because they've got big fingers.
10 Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: a bulldozer!
Work Jokes
THE YOUNG BUSINESS MAN
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
NEW SECRETARY
Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!
APPLIED MATHEMATICS
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
4 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals,
so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!
AT JOB INTERVIEW
One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second"
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.
The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"
The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"
A DROP IN SALARY PERHAPS
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"
"I'm going too!!" he replied.
"Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
NEW SECRETARY
Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!
APPLIED MATHEMATICS
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
4 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals,
so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!
AT JOB INTERVIEW
One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second"
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.
The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"
The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"
A DROP IN SALARY PERHAPS
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"
"I'm going too!!" he replied.
"Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
Insulting Jokes
INSULTING FAMOUS FOLK
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
Victor Borge talking about Mozart
Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?
Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol
I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me
Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Groucho Marx
"Actually, I never liked Dylan's kind of music before; I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear."
Mick Ronson
Here lies my wife: here let her lie !
Now she's at rest and so am I
John Dryden on his wife
"If pople don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting."
Herman J. Mankiewicz
"He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting 'Fox's Book of Martyrs' in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats."
Roger Gellert on John Cleese
"A hyena that wrote poetry in tombs."
Friedrich Nietzsche on Dante
"The biggest no-talent I ever worked with."
Paul Cohen on Buddy Holly
"The stupid person's idea of a clever person."
Elizabeth Bowen on Aldous Huxley
"It is only too easy to catch people's attention by doing something worse than anyone else has dared to do it before."
Charivari on Claude Monet
POLITICAL INSULTS
"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?"
Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel
"An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf."
Ross Perot talking about Dan Quayle
"I have never seen. . .so slippery, so disgusting a candidate."
Nat Hentoff talking about Bill Clinton
"He's nothing more than a well meaning baboon"
General McCellan on Abraham Lincoln
"MacArthur is the type of man who thinks that when he gets to heaven, God will step down from the great white throne and bow him into His vacated seat."
Harold Ickes talking about Douglas MacArthur
"A triumph of the embalmers art"
Gore Vidal on Ronald Reagan
"If he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he surely needs, he would begin fattening a missionary in the White House backyard come Wednesday."
H. L. Mencken talking about Franklin D. Roosevelt
"I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice."
Steve Martin
"The enviably attractive nephew who sings an Irish ballad for the company and then winsomely disappears before the table clearing and dishwashing begin."
Lyndon B. Johnson on JFK
"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born"
Ronald Reagan
"Attila the Hen"
Clement Freud on Margaret Thatcher
"Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair, he's just prematurely orange"
Gerald Ford on Ronald Reagan
APPEARENCE CAN BE FUN
Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?
Don Rickles
"Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun... Like a sucked and spat out smartie, you're no use to anyone."
John Cooper Clarke
He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.
Anon
"She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly."
Richard Burton talking about Elizabeth Taylor
She loves 'NATURE' - In spite of what it did to her.
Anon
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
Don Rickles
When He comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs.
Anon
I don't want you to turn the other cheek - it's just as ugly.
Anon
Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.
Anon
See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
Anon
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Anon
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Anon
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Anon
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
Anon
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
Victor Borge talking about Mozart
Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?
Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol
I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me
Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Groucho Marx
"Actually, I never liked Dylan's kind of music before; I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear."
Mick Ronson
Here lies my wife: here let her lie !
Now she's at rest and so am I
John Dryden on his wife
"If pople don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting."
Herman J. Mankiewicz
"He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting 'Fox's Book of Martyrs' in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats."
Roger Gellert on John Cleese
"A hyena that wrote poetry in tombs."
Friedrich Nietzsche on Dante
"The biggest no-talent I ever worked with."
Paul Cohen on Buddy Holly
"The stupid person's idea of a clever person."
Elizabeth Bowen on Aldous Huxley
"It is only too easy to catch people's attention by doing something worse than anyone else has dared to do it before."
Charivari on Claude Monet
POLITICAL INSULTS
"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?"
Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel
"An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf."
Ross Perot talking about Dan Quayle
"I have never seen. . .so slippery, so disgusting a candidate."
Nat Hentoff talking about Bill Clinton
"He's nothing more than a well meaning baboon"
General McCellan on Abraham Lincoln
"MacArthur is the type of man who thinks that when he gets to heaven, God will step down from the great white throne and bow him into His vacated seat."
Harold Ickes talking about Douglas MacArthur
"A triumph of the embalmers art"
Gore Vidal on Ronald Reagan
"If he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he surely needs, he would begin fattening a missionary in the White House backyard come Wednesday."
H. L. Mencken talking about Franklin D. Roosevelt
"I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice."
Steve Martin
"The enviably attractive nephew who sings an Irish ballad for the company and then winsomely disappears before the table clearing and dishwashing begin."
Lyndon B. Johnson on JFK
"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born"
Ronald Reagan
"Attila the Hen"
Clement Freud on Margaret Thatcher
"Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair, he's just prematurely orange"
Gerald Ford on Ronald Reagan
APPEARENCE CAN BE FUN
Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?
Don Rickles
"Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun... Like a sucked and spat out smartie, you're no use to anyone."
John Cooper Clarke
He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.
Anon
"She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly."
Richard Burton talking about Elizabeth Taylor
She loves 'NATURE' - In spite of what it did to her.
Anon
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
Don Rickles
When He comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs.
Anon
I don't want you to turn the other cheek - it's just as ugly.
Anon
Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.
Anon
See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
Anon
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Anon
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Anon
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Anon
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
Anon
Transportation Jokes
AIR LINE PILOT
An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess."
The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste.
A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first."
MOTORWAY BREAK DOWN
A car breaks down along the motorway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the motorway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs.
When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
THREE MEN ON A PLANE
Three men are on a plane. They open a window and one throws an orange out. The other throws out an apple. The Third throws out a hand grenade.
After getting off of the plane, they see a boy crying. They ask what's wrong, and he replies, "An apple hit me in the head!"
They see another boy crying. He says, "An orange hit me in the head!" Then they see a boy rolling on the sidewalk laughing.
They asked why he was laughing, and he replied, "I farted and my house blew up!"
THE IMPORTED SPORTS CAR
The work of a certain timid but thorough law clerk was valued for its precision, so soon he was making money to buy himself a nice imported sports car.
Not long afterwards he had the misfortune to get lost in the worst part of town, and when he stopped at a red light a huge, mean son-of-a-bitch hauled him out of the driver's seat.
Drawing a circle around him on the pavement, the hoodlum told him not to set foot out of it unless he wanted the shit beat out of him. The delinquent proceeded to demolish the car, starting with the headlights and windows, when he heard the law clerk giggling.
He moved on to the body and engine, but in between crashes he couldn't help hearing gales of laughter.
Finally, crowbar in hand, he came over to his victim and demanded, "What you laughing about? Your fancy car's never gonna run again."
"So?" the clerk gasped helplessly, tears running down his face. "Ever since you started tearing up my car, I've been stepping in and out of this circle, in and out, in and out..."
RIDING HIS BIKE
There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother's house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway's made it by there by 2PM.
One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?
"No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I've got a rope in the back and we'll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."
The man says, "Ok!"
They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell BEEP BEEP if I'm going to fast." No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man's eye's widen in fright
. Sure enough, the light changes and THEIR OFF! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.
Meanwhile, at the local police dept... "Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a 'Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street."
"What's so weird about that?" asks the other cops. The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming BEEP BEEP and trying to pass!"
An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess."
The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste.
A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first."
MOTORWAY BREAK DOWN
A car breaks down along the motorway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the motorway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs.
When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
THREE MEN ON A PLANE
Three men are on a plane. They open a window and one throws an orange out. The other throws out an apple. The Third throws out a hand grenade.
After getting off of the plane, they see a boy crying. They ask what's wrong, and he replies, "An apple hit me in the head!"
They see another boy crying. He says, "An orange hit me in the head!" Then they see a boy rolling on the sidewalk laughing.
They asked why he was laughing, and he replied, "I farted and my house blew up!"
THE IMPORTED SPORTS CAR
The work of a certain timid but thorough law clerk was valued for its precision, so soon he was making money to buy himself a nice imported sports car.
Not long afterwards he had the misfortune to get lost in the worst part of town, and when he stopped at a red light a huge, mean son-of-a-bitch hauled him out of the driver's seat.
Drawing a circle around him on the pavement, the hoodlum told him not to set foot out of it unless he wanted the shit beat out of him. The delinquent proceeded to demolish the car, starting with the headlights and windows, when he heard the law clerk giggling.
He moved on to the body and engine, but in between crashes he couldn't help hearing gales of laughter.
Finally, crowbar in hand, he came over to his victim and demanded, "What you laughing about? Your fancy car's never gonna run again."
"So?" the clerk gasped helplessly, tears running down his face. "Ever since you started tearing up my car, I've been stepping in and out of this circle, in and out, in and out..."
RIDING HIS BIKE
There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother's house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway's made it by there by 2PM.
One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?
"No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I've got a rope in the back and we'll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."
The man says, "Ok!"
They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell BEEP BEEP if I'm going to fast." No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man's eye's widen in fright
. Sure enough, the light changes and THEIR OFF! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.
Meanwhile, at the local police dept... "Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a 'Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street."
"What's so weird about that?" asks the other cops. The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming BEEP BEEP and trying to pass!"
Education Jokes
A QUICK SPELLING TEST
The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and asked who could spell it.
George raised his hand and he spelled out, "d-i-k-t-a-t-e."
The teacher said, "sorry that's wrong" Then she asked Stephen.
Stephen slowly spelled out, "d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e."
"Sorry" says the teacher, "that's not right either."
Next, she asked Fiona After a slight pause Fiona began spelling, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e."
"Very good Fiona," applauded the teacher, "that's correct. Now," the teacher continued, "who can use this word in a sentence?"
Stephen raised his hand quick as a flash shouting, "I know-Iknow,"
"OK" replied the teacher, "please use the word Stephen."
Stephen responded, "How did my dictate last night, Fiona?"
FUN! FUN! FUN!
A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see... Fun period ... fun period ... fun no period ... worry worry worry!"
A SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING
In a primary school classroom, the teacher notices a little puddle underneath Mary's chair.
"Oh Mary!" says the teacher, "you should have put your hand up."
"I did," Mary replied. "But it still trickled through my fingers."
ANY IDIOTS IN THE ROOM?
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
THE ATTRACTIVE UNDER GRADUATE
One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc.
Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."
The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"
To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say."
After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"
The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."
The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."
The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and asked who could spell it.
George raised his hand and he spelled out, "d-i-k-t-a-t-e."
The teacher said, "sorry that's wrong" Then she asked Stephen.
Stephen slowly spelled out, "d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e."
"Sorry" says the teacher, "that's not right either."
Next, she asked Fiona After a slight pause Fiona began spelling, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e."
"Very good Fiona," applauded the teacher, "that's correct. Now," the teacher continued, "who can use this word in a sentence?"
Stephen raised his hand quick as a flash shouting, "I know-Iknow,"
"OK" replied the teacher, "please use the word Stephen."
Stephen responded, "How did my dictate last night, Fiona?"
FUN! FUN! FUN!
A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see... Fun period ... fun period ... fun no period ... worry worry worry!"
A SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING
In a primary school classroom, the teacher notices a little puddle underneath Mary's chair.
"Oh Mary!" says the teacher, "you should have put your hand up."
"I did," Mary replied. "But it still trickled through my fingers."
ANY IDIOTS IN THE ROOM?
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
THE ATTRACTIVE UNDER GRADUATE
One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc.
Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."
The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"
To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say."
After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"
The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."
The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."
Stupid Jokes
SILLY LITTLE PLAYS ON WORDS
Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?
A: Elf raising flour.
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws
A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"
Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.
Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."
Q: What's an Eskimo's favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!
Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale!
First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.
Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes.
ALL CREATURES GREAT & SMALL
Q: What kind of cats love the water?
A: Octo-Pussies.
Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx.
Q: What's a porcupine's favorite food?
A: Prickled onions.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A: A zebra with a drumkit.
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell garage.
Q: What were the only creatures not to go into the Ark in pairs?
A: The Maggots, they went in an apple.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chickens day off.
Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.
Q: What do you give a sick pig?
A: Oinkment!
WORLD'S GREATEST IDIOTS
Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.
An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."
Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.
Did you here about the idiot who won the 'Tour De France'?
He did a lap of Honour!
Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!
Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?
A: Elf raising flour.
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws
A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"
Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.
Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."
Q: What's an Eskimo's favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!
Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale!
First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.
Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes.
ALL CREATURES GREAT & SMALL
Q: What kind of cats love the water?
A: Octo-Pussies.
Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx.
Q: What's a porcupine's favorite food?
A: Prickled onions.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A: A zebra with a drumkit.
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell garage.
Q: What were the only creatures not to go into the Ark in pairs?
A: The Maggots, they went in an apple.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chickens day off.
Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.
Q: What do you give a sick pig?
A: Oinkment!
WORLD'S GREATEST IDIOTS
Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.
An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."
Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.
Did you here about the idiot who won the 'Tour De France'?
He did a lap of Honour!
Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!
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