Insulting Jokes

INSULTING FAMOUS FOLK
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
Victor Borge talking about Mozart

Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?
Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol

I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me
Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Groucho Marx

"Actually, I never liked Dylan's kind of music before; I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear."
Mick Ronson

Here lies my wife: here let her lie !
Now she's at rest and so am I
John Dryden on his wife

"If pople don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting."
Herman J. Mankiewicz

"He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting 'Fox's Book of Martyrs' in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats."
Roger Gellert on John Cleese

"A hyena that wrote poetry in tombs."
Friedrich Nietzsche on Dante

"The biggest no-talent I ever worked with."
Paul Cohen on Buddy Holly

"The stupid person's idea of a clever person."
Elizabeth Bowen on Aldous Huxley

"It is only too easy to catch people's attention by doing something worse than anyone else has dared to do it before."
Charivari on Claude Monet

POLITICAL INSULTS
"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?"
Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel

"An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf."
Ross Perot talking about Dan Quayle

"I have never seen. . .so slippery, so disgusting a candidate."
Nat Hentoff talking about Bill Clinton

"He's nothing more than a well meaning baboon"
General McCellan on Abraham Lincoln

"MacArthur is the type of man who thinks that when he gets to heaven, God will step down from the great white throne and bow him into His vacated seat."
Harold Ickes talking about Douglas MacArthur

"A triumph of the embalmers art"
Gore Vidal on Ronald Reagan

"If he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he surely needs, he would begin fattening a missionary in the White House backyard come Wednesday."
H. L. Mencken talking about Franklin D. Roosevelt

"I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice."
Steve Martin

"The enviably attractive nephew who sings an Irish ballad for the company and then winsomely disappears before the table clearing and dishwashing begin."
Lyndon B. Johnson on JFK

"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born"
Ronald Reagan

"Attila the Hen"
Clement Freud on Margaret Thatcher

"Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair, he's just prematurely orange"
Gerald Ford on Ronald Reagan

APPEARENCE CAN BE FUN
Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?
Don Rickles

"Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun... Like a sucked and spat out smartie, you're no use to anyone."
John Cooper Clarke

He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.
Anon

"She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly."
Richard Burton talking about Elizabeth Taylor

She loves 'NATURE' - In spite of what it did to her.
Anon

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
Don Rickles

When He comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs.
Anon

I don't want you to turn the other cheek - it's just as ugly.
Anon

Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.
Anon

See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
Anon

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Anon

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Anon

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Anon

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
Anon