Funny Jokes-Part-5

What is worse than a giraffe
with a sore throat?
A turtle with claustrophobia.
What is worse than a turtle with claustrophobia?
An elephant with hay fever.
What kind of animal needs oiling?
A mouse. It squeaks.
What kind of television program tells you who just broke an arm or leg?
A newscast.
What means of transportation gives people colds?
A choo-choo train.
What nuts give you a cold?
Cachoo (cashew) nuts.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis (bronc-itis).
What would happen if you swallowed uranium?
You would get atomic ache (a stomach ache).
What would you call a small wound?
A short cut.
When a girl slips on the ice, why can't her brother help her up?
He can't be a brother and assist her (a sister) too.
When do you have acute pain?
When you own a very pretty window.
When don't you feel so hot?
When you catch a cold.
When is the best time to buy a thermometer?
In the winter, because then it is lower.
When is the vet busiest?
When it rains cats and dogs.
When they take out an appendix, it's an appendectomy; when they remove your tonsils, it's a tonsillectomy. What is it when they remove a growth from your head?
A haircut.
When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?
When Moses received the two tablets.
Where do animals go when they lose their tails?
To a retail store.
Where do sick steamships go?
To the dock (doc).
Where do squirrels go when they have nervous breakdowns?
To the nut house.
Which eye gets hit the most?
A bullseye.
Why are doctors stingy?
they say they will treat you, and then they make you pay for it.
Why can't a very thin person stand up straight?
Because he is lean.
Why did the doctor give up his practice?
Because he lost his patience (patients).
Why did the farmer take the cow to the vet?
Because she was so mooo-dy.
Why did the fireplace call the doctor?
Because the chimney had the flu (flue).
Why did the germ cross the microscope?
To get to the other side.
Why did the invisible mother take her invisible child to the doctor?
To find out why he wasn't all there.
Why did the kid put his hand in the fuse box when the weather got hot?
He heard that fuses blew.
Why did the man hit his hand with a hammer?
He wanted to see something swell.
Why did the mother ghost take her ghost child to the doctor?
She was worried because he was in such good spirits.
Why did the secretary cut her fingers off?
She wanted to write shorthand.
Why did the timid soul tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.
Why do you feel soft in the head when you wash your hair?
Because you get a soggy noodle.
Why do your eyes look different when you come from an eye doctor?
Because they've been checked.
Why does a dentist seem moody?
Because he always looks down in the mouth.
Why is a fishing hook like the measles?
Because it's catching.
Why is a horse with a sore throat twice as sick as any other animal?
Because he is then a hoarse horse.
Why is a pony like a person with a sore
throat?
Because they are both a little hoarse (horse).
Why is an eye doctor like a teacher?
They both test the pupils.
Why is Congress like a cold?
Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it and sometimes the no's (nose).
Why shouldn't you make jokes about a fat person?
Because it's not nice to poke fun at someone else's expanse (expense).
Why was the chicken sick?
It had people pox.
You never catch cold going up in an elevator. True or false?
True. You come down with a cold, never up.