Funny Jokes-Part-2

you hear the story about the germ?
Never mind. I don't want it spread all over.
How can you keep from getting a sharp pain in your eye when you drink chocolate milk?
Take the spoon out of the glass.
How can you tell if a bucket is not well?
When it is a little pale (pail).
How can you tell if a mummy has a cold?
He starts coffin.
How can you tell if you are cross-eyed?
When you see eye-to-eye with yourself.
How did the bread feel when it was put in the toaster?
It was burned up.
How did the clock feel when no one wound it up?
Run down.
How did the kid get a flat nose?
His teacher told him to keep it to the grindstone.
How did the skeleton know it was raining?
He could feel it in his bones.
How do you know that army sergeants have a lot of headaches?
Because they always yell, "Tension!"
How do you know that peanuts are fattening?
Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?
How do you make a thin person fat?
Throw him up in the air and he comes down "Plump."
How was the blind carpenter able to see?
He picked up his hammer and saw.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what will an onion do?
Keep everyone away.
If you don't feel well, what do you probably have?
A pair of gloves on your hands.
If you dropped a tomato on your toe, would it hurt much?
Yes, if' it were in a can.
If you fell off' a ladder, what would you fall against?
Against your will.
What did Frankenstein say when a bolt of lightning hit him?
"Thanks, I needed that!"
What did the dentist say to the golfer?
"You have a hole in one. "
What did the doctor find when he examined the X-ray of the dummy's head?
Nothing.
What did the doctor say to the patient when he finished the operation?
"That's enough out of you."
What did the doctor say to the tonsil?
"You look so cute, I think I'll take you out. "
What did the farmer use to cure his sick hog?
Oinkment (ointment).
What did the nervous kid say when the doctor asked if he had been getting enough iron?
"Yes, I chew my nails every day."
What did the tooth say to the dentist?
"Fill 'er up!"
What did the woman say when the doctor asked if she smoked cigarettes?
"Of cough!"
What do cowboys call a doctor's hypodermic needle?
A sick (six) shooter.
What do seven days of dieting do?
They make one weak (week).
What do you call a person who doesn't have all his fingers on one hand?
Normal. Fingers are supposed to be on two hands.
What do you get if an ax hits your head?
A splitting headache.
What do you get if you put your hand in a pot?
A potted palm.
What do you get if you put your head in a washing machine?
Cleaner and brighter thoughts.
What do you have if your head is hot, your feet are cold, and you see spots in front of your eyes?
You probably have a polka-dotted sock over your head.
What does every drowning person say no matter what language he speaks?
"Glub, glub!"
What game do you play if you don't take care of your teeth?
Tooth (truth) or Consequences.
What goes, "Ho, ho, ho, plop!"?
Santa Claus laughing
his head off
What happened when the dog swallowed the watch?
He got a lot of ticks.
What happened when the horse swallowed a dollar bill?
He bucked.
What happened when the icicle landed on the man's head?
It knocked him cold.
What happens when a pony gets sunburned?
You get a little horseradish (reddish).
What has fifty legs but can't walk?
Half a centipede.
What is a drill sergeant?
An army dentist.
What is a sick crocodile?
An alligator.
What is better than presence of mind in an automobile accident?
Absence of body.
What is the best thing to take when you're run over?
The number of the car that hit you.
What is the best way to cure acid indigestion?
Stop drinking acid.
What is the best way to lose weight?
Learn to play the piano, and you can pound away all you want.
What is the difference between a boxer and a man with a cold?
A boxer knows his blows, a man with a cold blows his nose.
What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
One knows the stops, the other stops the nose.
What is the difference between a hill and a pill?
A hill is hard to get up, a pill is hard to get down.
What is the difference between a person asleep and a person awake?
With some people it's hard to tell the difference.
What is the famous last word in surgery?
"Ouch!"
What is the healthiest kind of water?
Well water.
What is the perfect cure for dandruff?
Baldness.
What is worse than a centipede with sore feet?
A giraffe with a sore throat.