JOKE OF THE MONTH: November 2004
Taxiing down the runway, the passenger jet abruptly came to a stop, turned around and returned to the gate. Eventually however, after an hour-long wait, the flight finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant.
“I hope it’s all sorted now.” Replied the nervous passenger.
"Oh yes, it’s fine now Sir, it just took us a while to find a new pilot."
Elvis Jokes
What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today?
Scratching like hell to get out of that box.
Father O'Mally had been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decided to take a nice vacation. He had never been abroad, so he decided to go to the States.
He hopped on the first plane bound for Nevada and arrives at the Airport in Las Vegas.
As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"
Father O'Mally looks at her and says, "I'm not Elvis! I don't look a thing like him!" and walks quickly away.
The father finds a cab and hops in, he says to the cabby, "Take me to my hotel, please." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God
Monday, January 11, 2010
Kids Jokes
A FEW QUICK CRAZY NAMES1 Q: What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?
A: Mandy Lifeboats!
2 Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker?
A: Beatrix Potter!
3 Q: What do you call a lion with toothache?
A: Rory!
4 Q: What do you call a man with a big truck on his head?
A: Laurie!
5 Q: What do you call a man with turf on his head?
A: Pete!
6 Q: What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows?
A: Phantom of the Oprah!
7 Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!
8 Q: What do you call a man who doesn't sink?
A: Bob!
9 Q: What do you call a Rodent that has a sword?
A: A Mouseketeer!
10 Q: What do you call the bad lion tamer?
A: Claude Bottom!
OWL AND THE PUSSY CAT
The owl and the pussycat went to sea, but the end of our story's quite sad.The owl pushed the pussycat over the edge
`cos her gameboy was driving him mad.
THE STRING IN THE TAIL
Two pieces of string meet one day in the park and while one goes on the slide the other goes on the swings. They're having a great time until one string decides to go on the roundabout.
After a while, the string feels really dizzy and falls off, scraping across the tarmac and making as tangled mess of one end and falling in a heap. The second string looked at him and sighed "you're not very good on that roundabout are you?"
The first string looked at himself and said "I'm a frayed knot".
AN IRISHMAN AND THE ENGLISHMAN.....
Once there was an Irish man an Englishman and an Australian who decided to have a competition.While on top of the hill each man had to chuck his watch in the air, then run down the hill and catch it before it hit the ground.
So the Irishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and SPLAT the watch hit the ground.
Then the Englishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and SPLAT the watch hit the ground.
Next was the Australian who chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill, went and had a beer, did the shopping, came back and caught his watch.
"How did you do that?" asked the Irishman.
The Australian replied "My watch is 1 hour slow !!!!!"
THE QUESTIONS FOR INQUIRING MINDS1 Q: Why did the King go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned.
2 Q: What do you call a three legged donkey?
A: A wonkey.
3 Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
4 Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk.
5 Q: why are fish so smart?
A: Because they live in schools.
6 Q: What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
A: A zebra caught in a revolving door.
7 Q: What do dogs eat at the cinema?
A: Pup-corn!
8 Q: What's a snakes favourite subject in class?
A: Hissssstory.
9 Q: Why do monkeys have big noses?
A: Because they've got big fingers.
10 Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: a bulldozer!
A: Mandy Lifeboats!
2 Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker?
A: Beatrix Potter!
3 Q: What do you call a lion with toothache?
A: Rory!
4 Q: What do you call a man with a big truck on his head?
A: Laurie!
5 Q: What do you call a man with turf on his head?
A: Pete!
6 Q: What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows?
A: Phantom of the Oprah!
7 Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!
8 Q: What do you call a man who doesn't sink?
A: Bob!
9 Q: What do you call a Rodent that has a sword?
A: A Mouseketeer!
10 Q: What do you call the bad lion tamer?
A: Claude Bottom!
OWL AND THE PUSSY CAT
The owl and the pussycat went to sea, but the end of our story's quite sad.The owl pushed the pussycat over the edge
`cos her gameboy was driving him mad.
THE STRING IN THE TAIL
Two pieces of string meet one day in the park and while one goes on the slide the other goes on the swings. They're having a great time until one string decides to go on the roundabout.
After a while, the string feels really dizzy and falls off, scraping across the tarmac and making as tangled mess of one end and falling in a heap. The second string looked at him and sighed "you're not very good on that roundabout are you?"
The first string looked at himself and said "I'm a frayed knot".
AN IRISHMAN AND THE ENGLISHMAN.....
Once there was an Irish man an Englishman and an Australian who decided to have a competition.While on top of the hill each man had to chuck his watch in the air, then run down the hill and catch it before it hit the ground.
So the Irishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and SPLAT the watch hit the ground.
Then the Englishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and SPLAT the watch hit the ground.
Next was the Australian who chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill, went and had a beer, did the shopping, came back and caught his watch.
"How did you do that?" asked the Irishman.
The Australian replied "My watch is 1 hour slow !!!!!"
THE QUESTIONS FOR INQUIRING MINDS1 Q: Why did the King go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned.
2 Q: What do you call a three legged donkey?
A: A wonkey.
3 Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
4 Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk.
5 Q: why are fish so smart?
A: Because they live in schools.
6 Q: What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
A: A zebra caught in a revolving door.
7 Q: What do dogs eat at the cinema?
A: Pup-corn!
8 Q: What's a snakes favourite subject in class?
A: Hissssstory.
9 Q: Why do monkeys have big noses?
A: Because they've got big fingers.
10 Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: a bulldozer!
Work Jokes
THE YOUNG BUSINESS MAN
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
NEW SECRETARY
Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!
APPLIED MATHEMATICS
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
4 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals,
so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!
AT JOB INTERVIEW
One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second"
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.
The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"
The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"
A DROP IN SALARY PERHAPS
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"
"I'm going too!!" he replied.
"Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
NEW SECRETARY
Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!
APPLIED MATHEMATICS
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
4 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals,
so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!
AT JOB INTERVIEW
One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second"
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.
The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"
The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"
A DROP IN SALARY PERHAPS
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"
"I'm going too!!" he replied.
"Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
Insulting Jokes
INSULTING FAMOUS FOLK
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
Victor Borge talking about Mozart
Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?
Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol
I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me
Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Groucho Marx
"Actually, I never liked Dylan's kind of music before; I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear."
Mick Ronson
Here lies my wife: here let her lie !
Now she's at rest and so am I
John Dryden on his wife
"If pople don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting."
Herman J. Mankiewicz
"He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting 'Fox's Book of Martyrs' in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats."
Roger Gellert on John Cleese
"A hyena that wrote poetry in tombs."
Friedrich Nietzsche on Dante
"The biggest no-talent I ever worked with."
Paul Cohen on Buddy Holly
"The stupid person's idea of a clever person."
Elizabeth Bowen on Aldous Huxley
"It is only too easy to catch people's attention by doing something worse than anyone else has dared to do it before."
Charivari on Claude Monet
POLITICAL INSULTS
"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?"
Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel
"An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf."
Ross Perot talking about Dan Quayle
"I have never seen. . .so slippery, so disgusting a candidate."
Nat Hentoff talking about Bill Clinton
"He's nothing more than a well meaning baboon"
General McCellan on Abraham Lincoln
"MacArthur is the type of man who thinks that when he gets to heaven, God will step down from the great white throne and bow him into His vacated seat."
Harold Ickes talking about Douglas MacArthur
"A triumph of the embalmers art"
Gore Vidal on Ronald Reagan
"If he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he surely needs, he would begin fattening a missionary in the White House backyard come Wednesday."
H. L. Mencken talking about Franklin D. Roosevelt
"I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice."
Steve Martin
"The enviably attractive nephew who sings an Irish ballad for the company and then winsomely disappears before the table clearing and dishwashing begin."
Lyndon B. Johnson on JFK
"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born"
Ronald Reagan
"Attila the Hen"
Clement Freud on Margaret Thatcher
"Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair, he's just prematurely orange"
Gerald Ford on Ronald Reagan
APPEARENCE CAN BE FUN
Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?
Don Rickles
"Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun... Like a sucked and spat out smartie, you're no use to anyone."
John Cooper Clarke
He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.
Anon
"She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly."
Richard Burton talking about Elizabeth Taylor
She loves 'NATURE' - In spite of what it did to her.
Anon
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
Don Rickles
When He comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs.
Anon
I don't want you to turn the other cheek - it's just as ugly.
Anon
Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.
Anon
See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
Anon
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Anon
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Anon
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Anon
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
Anon
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
Victor Borge talking about Mozart
Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?
Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol
I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me
Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Groucho Marx
"Actually, I never liked Dylan's kind of music before; I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear."
Mick Ronson
Here lies my wife: here let her lie !
Now she's at rest and so am I
John Dryden on his wife
"If pople don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting."
Herman J. Mankiewicz
"He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting 'Fox's Book of Martyrs' in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats."
Roger Gellert on John Cleese
"A hyena that wrote poetry in tombs."
Friedrich Nietzsche on Dante
"The biggest no-talent I ever worked with."
Paul Cohen on Buddy Holly
"The stupid person's idea of a clever person."
Elizabeth Bowen on Aldous Huxley
"It is only too easy to catch people's attention by doing something worse than anyone else has dared to do it before."
Charivari on Claude Monet
POLITICAL INSULTS
"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?"
Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel
"An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf."
Ross Perot talking about Dan Quayle
"I have never seen. . .so slippery, so disgusting a candidate."
Nat Hentoff talking about Bill Clinton
"He's nothing more than a well meaning baboon"
General McCellan on Abraham Lincoln
"MacArthur is the type of man who thinks that when he gets to heaven, God will step down from the great white throne and bow him into His vacated seat."
Harold Ickes talking about Douglas MacArthur
"A triumph of the embalmers art"
Gore Vidal on Ronald Reagan
"If he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he surely needs, he would begin fattening a missionary in the White House backyard come Wednesday."
H. L. Mencken talking about Franklin D. Roosevelt
"I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice."
Steve Martin
"The enviably attractive nephew who sings an Irish ballad for the company and then winsomely disappears before the table clearing and dishwashing begin."
Lyndon B. Johnson on JFK
"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born"
Ronald Reagan
"Attila the Hen"
Clement Freud on Margaret Thatcher
"Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair, he's just prematurely orange"
Gerald Ford on Ronald Reagan
APPEARENCE CAN BE FUN
Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?
Don Rickles
"Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun... Like a sucked and spat out smartie, you're no use to anyone."
John Cooper Clarke
He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.
Anon
"She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly."
Richard Burton talking about Elizabeth Taylor
She loves 'NATURE' - In spite of what it did to her.
Anon
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
Don Rickles
When He comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs.
Anon
I don't want you to turn the other cheek - it's just as ugly.
Anon
Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.
Anon
See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
Anon
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Anon
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Anon
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Anon
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
Anon
Transportation Jokes
AIR LINE PILOT
An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess."
The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste.
A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first."
MOTORWAY BREAK DOWN
A car breaks down along the motorway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the motorway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs.
When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
THREE MEN ON A PLANE
Three men are on a plane. They open a window and one throws an orange out. The other throws out an apple. The Third throws out a hand grenade.
After getting off of the plane, they see a boy crying. They ask what's wrong, and he replies, "An apple hit me in the head!"
They see another boy crying. He says, "An orange hit me in the head!" Then they see a boy rolling on the sidewalk laughing.
They asked why he was laughing, and he replied, "I farted and my house blew up!"
THE IMPORTED SPORTS CAR
The work of a certain timid but thorough law clerk was valued for its precision, so soon he was making money to buy himself a nice imported sports car.
Not long afterwards he had the misfortune to get lost in the worst part of town, and when he stopped at a red light a huge, mean son-of-a-bitch hauled him out of the driver's seat.
Drawing a circle around him on the pavement, the hoodlum told him not to set foot out of it unless he wanted the shit beat out of him. The delinquent proceeded to demolish the car, starting with the headlights and windows, when he heard the law clerk giggling.
He moved on to the body and engine, but in between crashes he couldn't help hearing gales of laughter.
Finally, crowbar in hand, he came over to his victim and demanded, "What you laughing about? Your fancy car's never gonna run again."
"So?" the clerk gasped helplessly, tears running down his face. "Ever since you started tearing up my car, I've been stepping in and out of this circle, in and out, in and out..."
RIDING HIS BIKE
There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother's house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway's made it by there by 2PM.
One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?
"No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I've got a rope in the back and we'll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."
The man says, "Ok!"
They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell BEEP BEEP if I'm going to fast." No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man's eye's widen in fright
. Sure enough, the light changes and THEIR OFF! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.
Meanwhile, at the local police dept... "Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a 'Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street."
"What's so weird about that?" asks the other cops. The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming BEEP BEEP and trying to pass!"
An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess."
The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste.
A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first."
MOTORWAY BREAK DOWN
A car breaks down along the motorway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the motorway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs.
When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
THREE MEN ON A PLANE
Three men are on a plane. They open a window and one throws an orange out. The other throws out an apple. The Third throws out a hand grenade.
After getting off of the plane, they see a boy crying. They ask what's wrong, and he replies, "An apple hit me in the head!"
They see another boy crying. He says, "An orange hit me in the head!" Then they see a boy rolling on the sidewalk laughing.
They asked why he was laughing, and he replied, "I farted and my house blew up!"
THE IMPORTED SPORTS CAR
The work of a certain timid but thorough law clerk was valued for its precision, so soon he was making money to buy himself a nice imported sports car.
Not long afterwards he had the misfortune to get lost in the worst part of town, and when he stopped at a red light a huge, mean son-of-a-bitch hauled him out of the driver's seat.
Drawing a circle around him on the pavement, the hoodlum told him not to set foot out of it unless he wanted the shit beat out of him. The delinquent proceeded to demolish the car, starting with the headlights and windows, when he heard the law clerk giggling.
He moved on to the body and engine, but in between crashes he couldn't help hearing gales of laughter.
Finally, crowbar in hand, he came over to his victim and demanded, "What you laughing about? Your fancy car's never gonna run again."
"So?" the clerk gasped helplessly, tears running down his face. "Ever since you started tearing up my car, I've been stepping in and out of this circle, in and out, in and out..."
RIDING HIS BIKE
There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother's house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway's made it by there by 2PM.
One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?
"No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I've got a rope in the back and we'll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."
The man says, "Ok!"
They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell BEEP BEEP if I'm going to fast." No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man's eye's widen in fright
. Sure enough, the light changes and THEIR OFF! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.
Meanwhile, at the local police dept... "Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a 'Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street."
"What's so weird about that?" asks the other cops. The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming BEEP BEEP and trying to pass!"
Education Jokes
A QUICK SPELLING TEST
The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and asked who could spell it.
George raised his hand and he spelled out, "d-i-k-t-a-t-e."
The teacher said, "sorry that's wrong" Then she asked Stephen.
Stephen slowly spelled out, "d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e."
"Sorry" says the teacher, "that's not right either."
Next, she asked Fiona After a slight pause Fiona began spelling, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e."
"Very good Fiona," applauded the teacher, "that's correct. Now," the teacher continued, "who can use this word in a sentence?"
Stephen raised his hand quick as a flash shouting, "I know-Iknow,"
"OK" replied the teacher, "please use the word Stephen."
Stephen responded, "How did my dictate last night, Fiona?"
FUN! FUN! FUN!
A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see... Fun period ... fun period ... fun no period ... worry worry worry!"
A SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING
In a primary school classroom, the teacher notices a little puddle underneath Mary's chair.
"Oh Mary!" says the teacher, "you should have put your hand up."
"I did," Mary replied. "But it still trickled through my fingers."
ANY IDIOTS IN THE ROOM?
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
THE ATTRACTIVE UNDER GRADUATE
One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc.
Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."
The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"
To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say."
After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"
The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."
The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."
The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and asked who could spell it.
George raised his hand and he spelled out, "d-i-k-t-a-t-e."
The teacher said, "sorry that's wrong" Then she asked Stephen.
Stephen slowly spelled out, "d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e."
"Sorry" says the teacher, "that's not right either."
Next, she asked Fiona After a slight pause Fiona began spelling, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e."
"Very good Fiona," applauded the teacher, "that's correct. Now," the teacher continued, "who can use this word in a sentence?"
Stephen raised his hand quick as a flash shouting, "I know-Iknow,"
"OK" replied the teacher, "please use the word Stephen."
Stephen responded, "How did my dictate last night, Fiona?"
FUN! FUN! FUN!
A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see... Fun period ... fun period ... fun no period ... worry worry worry!"
A SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING
In a primary school classroom, the teacher notices a little puddle underneath Mary's chair.
"Oh Mary!" says the teacher, "you should have put your hand up."
"I did," Mary replied. "But it still trickled through my fingers."
ANY IDIOTS IN THE ROOM?
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
THE ATTRACTIVE UNDER GRADUATE
One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc.
Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."
The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"
To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say."
After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"
The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."
The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."
Stupid Jokes
SILLY LITTLE PLAYS ON WORDS
Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?
A: Elf raising flour.
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws
A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"
Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.
Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."
Q: What's an Eskimo's favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!
Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale!
First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.
Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes.
ALL CREATURES GREAT & SMALL
Q: What kind of cats love the water?
A: Octo-Pussies.
Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx.
Q: What's a porcupine's favorite food?
A: Prickled onions.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A: A zebra with a drumkit.
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell garage.
Q: What were the only creatures not to go into the Ark in pairs?
A: The Maggots, they went in an apple.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chickens day off.
Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.
Q: What do you give a sick pig?
A: Oinkment!
WORLD'S GREATEST IDIOTS
Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.
An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."
Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.
Did you here about the idiot who won the 'Tour De France'?
He did a lap of Honour!
Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!
Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?
A: Elf raising flour.
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws
A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"
Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.
Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."
Q: What's an Eskimo's favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!
Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale!
First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.
Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes.
ALL CREATURES GREAT & SMALL
Q: What kind of cats love the water?
A: Octo-Pussies.
Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx.
Q: What's a porcupine's favorite food?
A: Prickled onions.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A: A zebra with a drumkit.
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell garage.
Q: What were the only creatures not to go into the Ark in pairs?
A: The Maggots, they went in an apple.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chickens day off.
Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.
Q: What do you give a sick pig?
A: Oinkment!
WORLD'S GREATEST IDIOTS
Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.
An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."
Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.
Did you here about the idiot who won the 'Tour De France'?
He did a lap of Honour!
Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!
Doctor Jokes
THE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER EXPECTANT
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"
"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."
PHYSICAL EXAMINATION
A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.
The young man gives her a stern look and say, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"
BIRTH CONTROL PILLS!
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
WILL IT HURT MUCH, DOCTOR?
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
AFTER EFFECTS
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"
"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."
PHYSICAL EXAMINATION
A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.
The young man gives her a stern look and say, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"
BIRTH CONTROL PILLS!
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
WILL IT HURT MUCH, DOCTOR?
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
AFTER EFFECTS
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
Sports Jokes
A NEW SPORT?
First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.
Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?
First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?
A PROBLEM FOR IRON MIKE
One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said, "Well Mike, how's it all going?"
"How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, most people want me banned me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse."
"Oh, that's so sad," the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!"
THREE BASKET BALL FANS
Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive.
The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan places his Yankees cap on her pubic area.
The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body. He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it; then he lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it.
However, when he lifted the Yankees cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Yankees cap once again and stared for a long time.
As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him and asked him why he spent so much time looking at the woman's genitalia, and he said, "It's the first time I've seen anything but an asshole under a Yankees cap."
AN OLD HOCKEY INJURY
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."
Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy responded, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."
WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE
Pat is appearing on the television quiz show 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. He has already reached the £64,000 mark but he only has one lifeline left which is to phone a friend.
"You've done really well to get this far Pat" the quizmaster says, "the next question is worth £125,000 if you decide to play. Are you ready?"
"Sure" Pat nods.
"On screen is a photograph of a current Manchester United player as a small baby." the quizmaster continues, "The question is Pat, and don't forget this is for £125,000, which player is it?"
Pat looks at the picture on screen for a while and says "I'm pretty sure it's David Beckham... No, I'm sure it is... Can I phone a friend just to check?"
"OK" the quizmaster asks, "Who are going to phone?"
Pat answers and pretty soon the phone is ringing and his best friend Mick picks up at the other end. The quizmaster explains the situation to Mick and Pat asks him the same question.
Without any hesitation Mick replies "No, that's definately Peter Schmeichel"
Pat looks concerned now "Are you sure Mick, I'm convinced that it's David Beckham?"
"Definately" Mick replies.
"Well" the quizmaster continues, "You've used your lifeline, now I need your answer"
"OK" says Pat, looking nervous now, "But I'm sure it's David Beckham, that's my final answer... David Beckham."
"You had £64,000 Pat, If you're right you win £125,000, if you're wrong you leave us with the money you've got so far..." There's a tense drum roll and the music dips before the quizmaster speaks again
"Sorry Pat, you were wrong. Never mind, you've been a great contestant and you've won £64,000. Here's your cheque and thanks for playing."
As the audience start to applaud Pat asks, "What was the correct answer, it's killing me!"
The quizmaster replies, "Andy Cole."
First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.
Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?
First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?
A PROBLEM FOR IRON MIKE
One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said, "Well Mike, how's it all going?"
"How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, most people want me banned me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse."
"Oh, that's so sad," the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!"
THREE BASKET BALL FANS
Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive.
The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan places his Yankees cap on her pubic area.
The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body. He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it; then he lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it.
However, when he lifted the Yankees cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Yankees cap once again and stared for a long time.
As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him and asked him why he spent so much time looking at the woman's genitalia, and he said, "It's the first time I've seen anything but an asshole under a Yankees cap."
AN OLD HOCKEY INJURY
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."
Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy responded, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."
WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE
Pat is appearing on the television quiz show 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. He has already reached the £64,000 mark but he only has one lifeline left which is to phone a friend.
"You've done really well to get this far Pat" the quizmaster says, "the next question is worth £125,000 if you decide to play. Are you ready?"
"Sure" Pat nods.
"On screen is a photograph of a current Manchester United player as a small baby." the quizmaster continues, "The question is Pat, and don't forget this is for £125,000, which player is it?"
Pat looks at the picture on screen for a while and says "I'm pretty sure it's David Beckham... No, I'm sure it is... Can I phone a friend just to check?"
"OK" the quizmaster asks, "Who are going to phone?"
Pat answers and pretty soon the phone is ringing and his best friend Mick picks up at the other end. The quizmaster explains the situation to Mick and Pat asks him the same question.
Without any hesitation Mick replies "No, that's definately Peter Schmeichel"
Pat looks concerned now "Are you sure Mick, I'm convinced that it's David Beckham?"
"Definately" Mick replies.
"Well" the quizmaster continues, "You've used your lifeline, now I need your answer"
"OK" says Pat, looking nervous now, "But I'm sure it's David Beckham, that's my final answer... David Beckham."
"You had £64,000 Pat, If you're right you win £125,000, if you're wrong you leave us with the money you've got so far..." There's a tense drum roll and the music dips before the quizmaster speaks again
"Sorry Pat, you were wrong. Never mind, you've been a great contestant and you've won £64,000. Here's your cheque and thanks for playing."
As the audience start to applaud Pat asks, "What was the correct answer, it's killing me!"
The quizmaster replies, "Andy Cole."
Criminal Jokes
TWO DUMB TRUCKERS
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
FLOORING THE FERRARI
Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.
The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"
"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."
"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.
"I thought you were trying to bring her back."
THE CORNIEST POLICE JOKE EVER!
A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.
The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.
"Rustling."
WALKING THE BRICK
Once there was a police man and one day on duty he saw a man with a brick on a leash. Being the man that he was he went over and said to the man and said nice dog you got there.
The man replied, "it's not a dog its a brick dumb ass!"
The policeman said "I'm really sorry for wasting your time" feeling embarrassed and strolled away quickly.
When the policeman was out of site the man bent down and whispered to the brick: "Got him there didn't we Rover?"
DRUNK DRIVING STORIES
Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.
The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.
The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
FLOORING THE FERRARI
Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.
The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"
"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."
"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.
"I thought you were trying to bring her back."
THE CORNIEST POLICE JOKE EVER!
A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.
The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.
"Rustling."
WALKING THE BRICK
Once there was a police man and one day on duty he saw a man with a brick on a leash. Being the man that he was he went over and said to the man and said nice dog you got there.
The man replied, "it's not a dog its a brick dumb ass!"
The policeman said "I'm really sorry for wasting your time" feeling embarrassed and strolled away quickly.
When the policeman was out of site the man bent down and whispered to the brick: "Got him there didn't we Rover?"
DRUNK DRIVING STORIES
Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.
The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.
The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."
Funny Jokes-Part-11
AN ENGLISH/CHINESE INTERPRETOREnglish Chinese
Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni
Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?
An unauthorized execution Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching?
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat
ONE IN THE EYE FOR BIGOTRY
There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews,"
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. "But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."
AN AMAZING DISCOVERY!
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones
Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni
Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?
An unauthorized execution Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching?
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat
ONE IN THE EYE FOR BIGOTRY
There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews,"
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. "But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."
AN AMAZING DISCOVERY!
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones
Funny Jokes-Part-10
A MAN MEETS A GENIE
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
THE VOICE
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
OLD WOMAN WHO HAS A BABY
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."
ON HONEYMOON
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."
TEN YEARS WITHOUT PAROLE
A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.
Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of. Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.
His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
THE VOICE
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
OLD WOMAN WHO HAS A BABY
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."
ON HONEYMOON
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."
TEN YEARS WITHOUT PAROLE
A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.
Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of. Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.
His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."
Funny Jokes-Part-8
THE FACTS OF LIFE
Boy: Dad, what's politics?
Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?
Boy: I still don't understand dad.
Dad: Think about it for a while son. That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him. The next day...
Son: Dad I understand politics now.
Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.
Son: The management is screwing the working class while the governments fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!
HILARY VISITS HOSPITAL
Hilary Clinton was taking a tour of a D.C. hospital while working to reform healthcare in the U.S. As she is touring, a doctor is explaining all the different functions of the hospital to her.
Eventually, they pass an open room in the inpatient ward, where Hilary could clearly see a middle aged man masturbating with great enthusiasm. The doctor quickly instructed the floor nurse to close the door. It was too late, Hilary had already seen. She fiercely looked at the doctor and said,
"What kind of hospital are you running here Doctor?" The doctor calmly explained to the First Lady that the man had a very rare ailment, which required him to ejaculate three times daily, or his testicles would swell and he would die. Hilary accepted the doctor's explanation and they moved on.
A few minutes later, they came across another open room, yet this time they witnessed a nurse on her knees giving a different middle aged man oral sex. Hilary was outraged and called for an immediate explanation.
"It's very simple Mrs. Clinton", said the doctor. "This man suffers from the same ailment as the last man, however he has a much better health plan."
A TALE OF TWO PIGS
Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms.
At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice pigs, Mr. President"
Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary.. So, now what do you think?"
The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."
THE PUPPY TRADER
Hillary Clinton was on her way somewhere when he came across a little boy selling puppies. She stops and asks the boy "What kind of puppies are they?"
The boy replies, "They're Democratic puppies, Ma'am." With this she smiles and walks off.
Later on that day she mentions to Bill about the boy and his puppies and suggested that it might be nice to have a puppy around the house. The next week Bill was on his way to McDonald's and saw the boy and his puppies.
He stops and asks the boy, "What kind of puppies are they?"
The boy replies, "They're Republican puppies, Sir."
"Republican puppies?" Bill asked. "Last week you told my wife they were Democratic puppies."
The boy replied, "I know, Sir. But since then they opened their eyes."
ORDERING DINNER
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almandine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods: "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, HE'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
Boy: Dad, what's politics?
Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?
Boy: I still don't understand dad.
Dad: Think about it for a while son. That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him. The next day...
Son: Dad I understand politics now.
Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.
Son: The management is screwing the working class while the governments fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!
HILARY VISITS HOSPITAL
Hilary Clinton was taking a tour of a D.C. hospital while working to reform healthcare in the U.S. As she is touring, a doctor is explaining all the different functions of the hospital to her.
Eventually, they pass an open room in the inpatient ward, where Hilary could clearly see a middle aged man masturbating with great enthusiasm. The doctor quickly instructed the floor nurse to close the door. It was too late, Hilary had already seen. She fiercely looked at the doctor and said,
"What kind of hospital are you running here Doctor?" The doctor calmly explained to the First Lady that the man had a very rare ailment, which required him to ejaculate three times daily, or his testicles would swell and he would die. Hilary accepted the doctor's explanation and they moved on.
A few minutes later, they came across another open room, yet this time they witnessed a nurse on her knees giving a different middle aged man oral sex. Hilary was outraged and called for an immediate explanation.
"It's very simple Mrs. Clinton", said the doctor. "This man suffers from the same ailment as the last man, however he has a much better health plan."
A TALE OF TWO PIGS
Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms.
At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice pigs, Mr. President"
Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary.. So, now what do you think?"
The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."
THE PUPPY TRADER
Hillary Clinton was on her way somewhere when he came across a little boy selling puppies. She stops and asks the boy "What kind of puppies are they?"
The boy replies, "They're Democratic puppies, Ma'am." With this she smiles and walks off.
Later on that day she mentions to Bill about the boy and his puppies and suggested that it might be nice to have a puppy around the house. The next week Bill was on his way to McDonald's and saw the boy and his puppies.
He stops and asks the boy, "What kind of puppies are they?"
The boy replies, "They're Republican puppies, Sir."
"Republican puppies?" Bill asked. "Last week you told my wife they were Democratic puppies."
The boy replied, "I know, Sir. But since then they opened their eyes."
ORDERING DINNER
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almandine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods: "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, HE'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
THE DRINKS ARE ON ME
This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.
About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"
DRUNK DRIVING
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
ONE SUNNY DAY IN IRELAND
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir" he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"
The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?"
"I'm from Dublin" came the reply.
"Me too! What street do you live on?"
"McCarthy street"
The second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?"
"162" the first man replies.
"Me too! What are your parents names?"
"Connor and Shannon"
The second man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?"
"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though."
FIRE ENGINE
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,
"If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"
AN ENGLISHMAN, AN IRISHMAN AND A SCOTSMAN
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.
The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.
The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.
The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"
This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.
About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"
DRUNK DRIVING
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
ONE SUNNY DAY IN IRELAND
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir" he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"
The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?"
"I'm from Dublin" came the reply.
"Me too! What street do you live on?"
"McCarthy street"
The second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?"
"162" the first man replies.
"Me too! What are your parents names?"
"Connor and Shannon"
The second man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?"
"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though."
FIRE ENGINE
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,
"If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"
AN ENGLISHMAN, AN IRISHMAN AND A SCOTSMAN
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.
The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.
The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.
The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"
Funny Jokes-Part-7
A STRANGE STORY
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
A ROMANTIC AT HEART
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I’m a divorce lawyer."
HOW LONG HAVE I GOT LEFT?
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
THE SNAKE AND THE RABBIT
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.
The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
A WEAKER ARGUMENT
So there was this engineer who was tragically hit by a bus and killed instantly. He had lead a good life, but for some reason he found himself, rather than at the pearly gates, in the Other Place. Not one to complain, he shrugged and submitted himself to the tortures and other indignities common in Hell.
Soon after he arrived, there was a problem with one of the many furnaces--the engineer was happy to help out (he volunteered--wanted the challenge) and before long it was up and running again. This brought him to the attention of one of the senior demons that then had him working all over Hell fixing the torture devices, working out the kinks in the plumbing system, installing digital controls to the flame throwers . . . you name it.
Pretty soon word reached Satan that Hell had a great new addition to the team. The engineer then got taken under the Boss' wing (so to speak) as he planned and oversaw the creation of a giant new computer network. Pretty soon, word of all these improvements reached Heaven.
God was pretty upset about all this, and he had St. Peter look into the details (it had been a computer error--the engineer had been destined for one of the mid levels of Heaven). So God called Satan up and told him he wanted the engineer back.
"Nothing doing," said Satan, "You sent him down here, and we're keeping him!"
"What?" sputtered God, "You get him up here right now! That's a direct Order!"
"Listen pal, I don't take orders from you any more. Remember that 'rule in hell' agreement?"
God was beside himself. "If you don't send that engineer up here right now, I'll . . . I'll sue you!"
"Oh, sure!" Satan shot back gleefully. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
A ROMANTIC AT HEART
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I’m a divorce lawyer."
HOW LONG HAVE I GOT LEFT?
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
THE SNAKE AND THE RABBIT
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.
The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
A WEAKER ARGUMENT
So there was this engineer who was tragically hit by a bus and killed instantly. He had lead a good life, but for some reason he found himself, rather than at the pearly gates, in the Other Place. Not one to complain, he shrugged and submitted himself to the tortures and other indignities common in Hell.
Soon after he arrived, there was a problem with one of the many furnaces--the engineer was happy to help out (he volunteered--wanted the challenge) and before long it was up and running again. This brought him to the attention of one of the senior demons that then had him working all over Hell fixing the torture devices, working out the kinks in the plumbing system, installing digital controls to the flame throwers . . . you name it.
Pretty soon word reached Satan that Hell had a great new addition to the team. The engineer then got taken under the Boss' wing (so to speak) as he planned and oversaw the creation of a giant new computer network. Pretty soon, word of all these improvements reached Heaven.
God was pretty upset about all this, and he had St. Peter look into the details (it had been a computer error--the engineer had been destined for one of the mid levels of Heaven). So God called Satan up and told him he wanted the engineer back.
"Nothing doing," said Satan, "You sent him down here, and we're keeping him!"
"What?" sputtered God, "You get him up here right now! That's a direct Order!"
"Listen pal, I don't take orders from you any more. Remember that 'rule in hell' agreement?"
God was beside himself. "If you don't send that engineer up here right now, I'll . . . I'll sue you!"
"Oh, sure!" Satan shot back gleefully. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Funny Jokes-Part-6
HOSE NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY PETS!
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender give me a triple shot of Jack".
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."
The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
THE TALKING PARROTS
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
THREE WISHES
A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.
"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen."
The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.
"My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?"
Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!"
The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, "Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!"
THE RABBIT AND THE SNAKE
*A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.
The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.
He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."
The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."
The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."
A TRIP TO THE CINEMA
A man goes into a cinema with his dog to watch a film. It's a romantic comedy and when there's a funny seen the dog starts laughing. A little later on there's a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying.
This goes on throughout the entire film, laughing and crying at all the right places. A man sitting a few rows back has witnessed the entire thing and decides to follow the man out. In the foyer, he approaches the dog owner and says, "That's truly amazing!"
"It certainly is" The dog owner replied, "He hated the book!"
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender give me a triple shot of Jack".
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."
The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
THE TALKING PARROTS
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
THREE WISHES
A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.
"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen."
The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.
"My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?"
Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!"
The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, "Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!"
THE RABBIT AND THE SNAKE
*A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.
The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.
He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."
The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."
The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."
A TRIP TO THE CINEMA
A man goes into a cinema with his dog to watch a film. It's a romantic comedy and when there's a funny seen the dog starts laughing. A little later on there's a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying.
This goes on throughout the entire film, laughing and crying at all the right places. A man sitting a few rows back has witnessed the entire thing and decides to follow the man out. In the foyer, he approaches the dog owner and says, "That's truly amazing!"
"It certainly is" The dog owner replied, "He hated the book!"
HOSE NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY PETS!
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender give me a triple shot of Jack".
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."
The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
THE TALKING PARROTS
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
THREE WISHES
A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.
"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen."
The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.
"My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?"
Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!"
The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, "Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!"
THE RABBIT AND THE SNAKE
*A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.
The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.
He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."
The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."
The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."
A TRIP TO THE CINEMA
A man goes into a cinema with his dog to watch a film. It's a romantic comedy and when there's a funny seen the dog starts laughing. A little later on there's a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying.
This goes on throughout the entire film, laughing and crying at all the right places. A man sitting a few rows back has witnessed the entire thing and decides to follow the man out. In the foyer, he approaches the dog owner and says, "That's truly amazing!"
"It certainly is" The dog owner replied, "He hated the book!"
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender give me a triple shot of Jack".
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."
The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
THE TALKING PARROTS
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
THREE WISHES
A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.
"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen."
The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.
"My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?"
Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!"
The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, "Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!"
THE RABBIT AND THE SNAKE
*A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.
The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.
He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."
The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."
The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."
A TRIP TO THE CINEMA
A man goes into a cinema with his dog to watch a film. It's a romantic comedy and when there's a funny seen the dog starts laughing. A little later on there's a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying.
This goes on throughout the entire film, laughing and crying at all the right places. A man sitting a few rows back has witnessed the entire thing and decides to follow the man out. In the foyer, he approaches the dog owner and says, "That's truly amazing!"
"It certainly is" The dog owner replied, "He hated the book!"
Funny Jokes-Part-5
What is worse than a giraffe
with a sore throat?
A turtle with claustrophobia.
What is worse than a turtle with claustrophobia?
An elephant with hay fever.
What kind of animal needs oiling?
A mouse. It squeaks.
What kind of television program tells you who just broke an arm or leg?
A newscast.
What means of transportation gives people colds?
A choo-choo train.
What nuts give you a cold?
Cachoo (cashew) nuts.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis (bronc-itis).
What would happen if you swallowed uranium?
You would get atomic ache (a stomach ache).
What would you call a small wound?
A short cut.
When a girl slips on the ice, why can't her brother help her up?
He can't be a brother and assist her (a sister) too.
When do you have acute pain?
When you own a very pretty window.
When don't you feel so hot?
When you catch a cold.
When is the best time to buy a thermometer?
In the winter, because then it is lower.
When is the vet busiest?
When it rains cats and dogs.
When they take out an appendix, it's an appendectomy; when they remove your tonsils, it's a tonsillectomy. What is it when they remove a growth from your head?
A haircut.
When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?
When Moses received the two tablets.
Where do animals go when they lose their tails?
To a retail store.
Where do sick steamships go?
To the dock (doc).
Where do squirrels go when they have nervous breakdowns?
To the nut house.
Which eye gets hit the most?
A bullseye.
Why are doctors stingy?
they say they will treat you, and then they make you pay for it.
Why can't a very thin person stand up straight?
Because he is lean.
Why did the doctor give up his practice?
Because he lost his patience (patients).
Why did the farmer take the cow to the vet?
Because she was so mooo-dy.
Why did the fireplace call the doctor?
Because the chimney had the flu (flue).
Why did the germ cross the microscope?
To get to the other side.
Why did the invisible mother take her invisible child to the doctor?
To find out why he wasn't all there.
Why did the kid put his hand in the fuse box when the weather got hot?
He heard that fuses blew.
Why did the man hit his hand with a hammer?
He wanted to see something swell.
Why did the mother ghost take her ghost child to the doctor?
She was worried because he was in such good spirits.
Why did the secretary cut her fingers off?
She wanted to write shorthand.
Why did the timid soul tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.
Why do you feel soft in the head when you wash your hair?
Because you get a soggy noodle.
Why do your eyes look different when you come from an eye doctor?
Because they've been checked.
Why does a dentist seem moody?
Because he always looks down in the mouth.
Why is a fishing hook like the measles?
Because it's catching.
Why is a horse with a sore throat twice as sick as any other animal?
Because he is then a hoarse horse.
Why is a pony like a person with a sore
throat?
Because they are both a little hoarse (horse).
Why is an eye doctor like a teacher?
They both test the pupils.
Why is Congress like a cold?
Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it and sometimes the no's (nose).
Why shouldn't you make jokes about a fat person?
Because it's not nice to poke fun at someone else's expanse (expense).
Why was the chicken sick?
It had people pox.
You never catch cold going up in an elevator. True or false?
True. You come down with a cold, never up.
with a sore throat?
A turtle with claustrophobia.
What is worse than a turtle with claustrophobia?
An elephant with hay fever.
What kind of animal needs oiling?
A mouse. It squeaks.
What kind of television program tells you who just broke an arm or leg?
A newscast.
What means of transportation gives people colds?
A choo-choo train.
What nuts give you a cold?
Cachoo (cashew) nuts.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis (bronc-itis).
What would happen if you swallowed uranium?
You would get atomic ache (a stomach ache).
What would you call a small wound?
A short cut.
When a girl slips on the ice, why can't her brother help her up?
He can't be a brother and assist her (a sister) too.
When do you have acute pain?
When you own a very pretty window.
When don't you feel so hot?
When you catch a cold.
When is the best time to buy a thermometer?
In the winter, because then it is lower.
When is the vet busiest?
When it rains cats and dogs.
When they take out an appendix, it's an appendectomy; when they remove your tonsils, it's a tonsillectomy. What is it when they remove a growth from your head?
A haircut.
When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?
When Moses received the two tablets.
Where do animals go when they lose their tails?
To a retail store.
Where do sick steamships go?
To the dock (doc).
Where do squirrels go when they have nervous breakdowns?
To the nut house.
Which eye gets hit the most?
A bullseye.
Why are doctors stingy?
they say they will treat you, and then they make you pay for it.
Why can't a very thin person stand up straight?
Because he is lean.
Why did the doctor give up his practice?
Because he lost his patience (patients).
Why did the farmer take the cow to the vet?
Because she was so mooo-dy.
Why did the fireplace call the doctor?
Because the chimney had the flu (flue).
Why did the germ cross the microscope?
To get to the other side.
Why did the invisible mother take her invisible child to the doctor?
To find out why he wasn't all there.
Why did the kid put his hand in the fuse box when the weather got hot?
He heard that fuses blew.
Why did the man hit his hand with a hammer?
He wanted to see something swell.
Why did the mother ghost take her ghost child to the doctor?
She was worried because he was in such good spirits.
Why did the secretary cut her fingers off?
She wanted to write shorthand.
Why did the timid soul tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.
Why do you feel soft in the head when you wash your hair?
Because you get a soggy noodle.
Why do your eyes look different when you come from an eye doctor?
Because they've been checked.
Why does a dentist seem moody?
Because he always looks down in the mouth.
Why is a fishing hook like the measles?
Because it's catching.
Why is a horse with a sore throat twice as sick as any other animal?
Because he is then a hoarse horse.
Why is a pony like a person with a sore
throat?
Because they are both a little hoarse (horse).
Why is an eye doctor like a teacher?
They both test the pupils.
Why is Congress like a cold?
Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it and sometimes the no's (nose).
Why shouldn't you make jokes about a fat person?
Because it's not nice to poke fun at someone else's expanse (expense).
Why was the chicken sick?
It had people pox.
You never catch cold going up in an elevator. True or false?
True. You come down with a cold, never up.
Married an American girl
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him
if he could arrange a divorce for him - 'very quick.'
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend
on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: 'Have you any grounds?'
POLE: 'JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home.'
LAWYER: 'No,' I mean what is the foundation of this case?'
POLE: 'It made of concrete.'
LAWYER: 'Does either of you have a real grudge?'
POLE: 'No, we have carport, and not need one.'
LAWYER: 'I mean, What are your relations like?'
POLE: 'All my relations still in Poland.'
LAWYER: 'Is there any infidelity in your marriage?'
POLE: 'Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player.'
LAW YER: Does your wife beat you up?'
POLE: 'No, I always up before her.'
LAWYER: 'Is your wife a nagger?'
POLE: 'No, she white.'
LAWYER: 'WHY do you want this divorce?'
POLE: 'She going to kill me.'
LAWYER: 'What makes you think that?'
POLE: 'I got proof.
LAWYER: 'What kind of proof?'
POLE: 'She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'.'
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him
if he could arrange a divorce for him - 'very quick.'
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend
on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: 'Have you any grounds?'
POLE: 'JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home.'
LAWYER: 'No,' I mean what is the foundation of this case?'
POLE: 'It made of concrete.'
LAWYER: 'Does either of you have a real grudge?'
POLE: 'No, we have carport, and not need one.'
LAWYER: 'I mean, What are your relations like?'
POLE: 'All my relations still in Poland.'
LAWYER: 'Is there any infidelity in your marriage?'
POLE: 'Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player.'
LAW YER: Does your wife beat you up?'
POLE: 'No, I always up before her.'
LAWYER: 'Is your wife a nagger?'
POLE: 'No, she white.'
LAWYER: 'WHY do you want this divorce?'
POLE: 'She going to kill me.'
LAWYER: 'What makes you think that?'
POLE: 'I got proof.
LAWYER: 'What kind of proof?'
POLE: 'She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'.'
Funny Jokes-Part-4
1. Sundays-52,Sundays in a year, which are restdays. Balance 313 days.
2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Balance 263 days.
3. 8 hours daily sleep-means 122 days. Balance 141 days.
4. 1 hour for daily playing-(good for health) means 15 days. Balance 126 days.
5. Two hours daily for food & other delicacies(chewproperly & eat)-means 30days. Balance 96 days.
6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days . Balance 81 days.
7. Exam days per year atleast 35 days. Balance 46 days.
8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival holidays)-40 days. Balance 6 days.
9. For sickness atleast 3 days. Balance 3 days.
10. Movies and functions atleast 2 days. Balance 1 day.
11. That 1 day is your birthday.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Balance 263 days.
3. 8 hours daily sleep-means 122 days. Balance 141 days.
4. 1 hour for daily playing-(good for health) means 15 days. Balance 126 days.
5. Two hours daily for food & other delicacies(chewproperly & eat)-means 30days. Balance 96 days.
6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days . Balance 81 days.
7. Exam days per year atleast 35 days. Balance 46 days.
8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival holidays)-40 days. Balance 6 days.
9. For sickness atleast 3 days. Balance 3 days.
10. Movies and functions atleast 2 days. Balance 1 day.
11. That 1 day is your birthday.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Funny Jokes-Part-3
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to his hometown after graduation because he could be a big man in this tiny town.
He really wanted to impress everyone, so he opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, "No! Absolutely not! You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
"I'm sorry for the delay," he said, "but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to his hometown after graduation because he could be a big man in this tiny town.
He really wanted to impress everyone, so he opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, "No! Absolutely not! You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
"I'm sorry for the delay," he said, "but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
Funny Jokes-Part-2
you hear the story about the germ?
Never mind. I don't want it spread all over.
How can you keep from getting a sharp pain in your eye when you drink chocolate milk?
Take the spoon out of the glass.
How can you tell if a bucket is not well?
When it is a little pale (pail).
How can you tell if a mummy has a cold?
He starts coffin.
How can you tell if you are cross-eyed?
When you see eye-to-eye with yourself.
How did the bread feel when it was put in the toaster?
It was burned up.
How did the clock feel when no one wound it up?
Run down.
How did the kid get a flat nose?
His teacher told him to keep it to the grindstone.
How did the skeleton know it was raining?
He could feel it in his bones.
How do you know that army sergeants have a lot of headaches?
Because they always yell, "Tension!"
How do you know that peanuts are fattening?
Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?
How do you make a thin person fat?
Throw him up in the air and he comes down "Plump."
How was the blind carpenter able to see?
He picked up his hammer and saw.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what will an onion do?
Keep everyone away.
If you don't feel well, what do you probably have?
A pair of gloves on your hands.
If you dropped a tomato on your toe, would it hurt much?
Yes, if' it were in a can.
If you fell off' a ladder, what would you fall against?
Against your will.
What did Frankenstein say when a bolt of lightning hit him?
"Thanks, I needed that!"
What did the dentist say to the golfer?
"You have a hole in one. "
What did the doctor find when he examined the X-ray of the dummy's head?
Nothing.
What did the doctor say to the patient when he finished the operation?
"That's enough out of you."
What did the doctor say to the tonsil?
"You look so cute, I think I'll take you out. "
What did the farmer use to cure his sick hog?
Oinkment (ointment).
What did the nervous kid say when the doctor asked if he had been getting enough iron?
"Yes, I chew my nails every day."
What did the tooth say to the dentist?
"Fill 'er up!"
What did the woman say when the doctor asked if she smoked cigarettes?
"Of cough!"
What do cowboys call a doctor's hypodermic needle?
A sick (six) shooter.
What do seven days of dieting do?
They make one weak (week).
What do you call a person who doesn't have all his fingers on one hand?
Normal. Fingers are supposed to be on two hands.
What do you get if an ax hits your head?
A splitting headache.
What do you get if you put your hand in a pot?
A potted palm.
What do you get if you put your head in a washing machine?
Cleaner and brighter thoughts.
What do you have if your head is hot, your feet are cold, and you see spots in front of your eyes?
You probably have a polka-dotted sock over your head.
What does every drowning person say no matter what language he speaks?
"Glub, glub!"
What game do you play if you don't take care of your teeth?
Tooth (truth) or Consequences.
What goes, "Ho, ho, ho, plop!"?
Santa Claus laughing
his head off
What happened when the dog swallowed the watch?
He got a lot of ticks.
What happened when the horse swallowed a dollar bill?
He bucked.
What happened when the icicle landed on the man's head?
It knocked him cold.
What happens when a pony gets sunburned?
You get a little horseradish (reddish).
What has fifty legs but can't walk?
Half a centipede.
What is a drill sergeant?
An army dentist.
What is a sick crocodile?
An alligator.
What is better than presence of mind in an automobile accident?
Absence of body.
What is the best thing to take when you're run over?
The number of the car that hit you.
What is the best way to cure acid indigestion?
Stop drinking acid.
What is the best way to lose weight?
Learn to play the piano, and you can pound away all you want.
What is the difference between a boxer and a man with a cold?
A boxer knows his blows, a man with a cold blows his nose.
What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
One knows the stops, the other stops the nose.
What is the difference between a hill and a pill?
A hill is hard to get up, a pill is hard to get down.
What is the difference between a person asleep and a person awake?
With some people it's hard to tell the difference.
What is the famous last word in surgery?
"Ouch!"
What is the healthiest kind of water?
Well water.
What is the perfect cure for dandruff?
Baldness.
What is worse than a centipede with sore feet?
A giraffe with a sore throat.
Never mind. I don't want it spread all over.
How can you keep from getting a sharp pain in your eye when you drink chocolate milk?
Take the spoon out of the glass.
How can you tell if a bucket is not well?
When it is a little pale (pail).
How can you tell if a mummy has a cold?
He starts coffin.
How can you tell if you are cross-eyed?
When you see eye-to-eye with yourself.
How did the bread feel when it was put in the toaster?
It was burned up.
How did the clock feel when no one wound it up?
Run down.
How did the kid get a flat nose?
His teacher told him to keep it to the grindstone.
How did the skeleton know it was raining?
He could feel it in his bones.
How do you know that army sergeants have a lot of headaches?
Because they always yell, "Tension!"
How do you know that peanuts are fattening?
Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?
How do you make a thin person fat?
Throw him up in the air and he comes down "Plump."
How was the blind carpenter able to see?
He picked up his hammer and saw.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what will an onion do?
Keep everyone away.
If you don't feel well, what do you probably have?
A pair of gloves on your hands.
If you dropped a tomato on your toe, would it hurt much?
Yes, if' it were in a can.
If you fell off' a ladder, what would you fall against?
Against your will.
What did Frankenstein say when a bolt of lightning hit him?
"Thanks, I needed that!"
What did the dentist say to the golfer?
"You have a hole in one. "
What did the doctor find when he examined the X-ray of the dummy's head?
Nothing.
What did the doctor say to the patient when he finished the operation?
"That's enough out of you."
What did the doctor say to the tonsil?
"You look so cute, I think I'll take you out. "
What did the farmer use to cure his sick hog?
Oinkment (ointment).
What did the nervous kid say when the doctor asked if he had been getting enough iron?
"Yes, I chew my nails every day."
What did the tooth say to the dentist?
"Fill 'er up!"
What did the woman say when the doctor asked if she smoked cigarettes?
"Of cough!"
What do cowboys call a doctor's hypodermic needle?
A sick (six) shooter.
What do seven days of dieting do?
They make one weak (week).
What do you call a person who doesn't have all his fingers on one hand?
Normal. Fingers are supposed to be on two hands.
What do you get if an ax hits your head?
A splitting headache.
What do you get if you put your hand in a pot?
A potted palm.
What do you get if you put your head in a washing machine?
Cleaner and brighter thoughts.
What do you have if your head is hot, your feet are cold, and you see spots in front of your eyes?
You probably have a polka-dotted sock over your head.
What does every drowning person say no matter what language he speaks?
"Glub, glub!"
What game do you play if you don't take care of your teeth?
Tooth (truth) or Consequences.
What goes, "Ho, ho, ho, plop!"?
Santa Claus laughing
his head off
What happened when the dog swallowed the watch?
He got a lot of ticks.
What happened when the horse swallowed a dollar bill?
He bucked.
What happened when the icicle landed on the man's head?
It knocked him cold.
What happens when a pony gets sunburned?
You get a little horseradish (reddish).
What has fifty legs but can't walk?
Half a centipede.
What is a drill sergeant?
An army dentist.
What is a sick crocodile?
An alligator.
What is better than presence of mind in an automobile accident?
Absence of body.
What is the best thing to take when you're run over?
The number of the car that hit you.
What is the best way to cure acid indigestion?
Stop drinking acid.
What is the best way to lose weight?
Learn to play the piano, and you can pound away all you want.
What is the difference between a boxer and a man with a cold?
A boxer knows his blows, a man with a cold blows his nose.
What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
One knows the stops, the other stops the nose.
What is the difference between a hill and a pill?
A hill is hard to get up, a pill is hard to get down.
What is the difference between a person asleep and a person awake?
With some people it's hard to tell the difference.
What is the famous last word in surgery?
"Ouch!"
What is the healthiest kind of water?
Well water.
What is the perfect cure for dandruff?
Baldness.
What is worse than a centipede with sore feet?
A giraffe with a sore throat.
Funny Jokes-Part-1
>>Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything
>> Best Breakup Letter EVER!!
A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his
girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since
you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky..............
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or
ex-girlfriends.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other
pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There
were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
>>An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood on standby. As the Arab had a very rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally.
So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Sindhi was located who had a similar type of blood.
The Sindhi willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery the Arab sent the Sindhi as a token of his appreciation a new Rolls, diamonds, Bulgari jewellery, and a million US dollars.
Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Sindhi who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Sindhi a thank you card and a jar of almond halwa.
The Sindhi was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Sindhi's kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner.
The Arab replied "Chariya...now I have Sindhi blood in my veins !"
>>Shortest Story
Jack participated in a competition for writing the shortest story. The organizers had put a condition that the story must have four ingredients i.e.religion, sex, suspense and mystery.
Jack's turn came after many attempts by others. Jack read out his story, which comprised just one sentence:
"Oh god, my wife is going to deliver a child".
Ostensibly amused, the organizers asked Jack to explain how it contained all the four ingredients.
Jack gave his explanation; " Religion is denoted by the words Oh God. "My wife" refers to sex. And "going to deliver a child" indicates suspense - whether a girl or a boy."
Amused one of the organizers asked; "Okay.... but where is the
mystery?"
Jack replied. " Don't you see. There is no mention who is the father?"
>>An Honest Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Alex".
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything
>> Best Breakup Letter EVER!!
A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his
girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since
you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky..............
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or
ex-girlfriends.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other
pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There
were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
>>An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood on standby. As the Arab had a very rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally.
So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Sindhi was located who had a similar type of blood.
The Sindhi willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery the Arab sent the Sindhi as a token of his appreciation a new Rolls, diamonds, Bulgari jewellery, and a million US dollars.
Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Sindhi who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Sindhi a thank you card and a jar of almond halwa.
The Sindhi was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Sindhi's kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner.
The Arab replied "Chariya...now I have Sindhi blood in my veins !"
>>Shortest Story
Jack participated in a competition for writing the shortest story. The organizers had put a condition that the story must have four ingredients i.e.religion, sex, suspense and mystery.
Jack's turn came after many attempts by others. Jack read out his story, which comprised just one sentence:
"Oh god, my wife is going to deliver a child".
Ostensibly amused, the organizers asked Jack to explain how it contained all the four ingredients.
Jack gave his explanation; " Religion is denoted by the words Oh God. "My wife" refers to sex. And "going to deliver a child" indicates suspense - whether a girl or a boy."
Amused one of the organizers asked; "Okay.... but where is the
mystery?"
Jack replied. " Don't you see. There is no mention who is the father?"
>>An Honest Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Alex".
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